So I hit a wall this past week. And I guess some of that would explain why I haven’t posted on my blog in ages. I think I have hit, once again, a place of overwhelm. Now I’m not saying I have anything to complain about, because I don’t, but I don’t think I have been listening to myself and my own personal needs as much as I should be. And in many ways I suppose I have cancer to thank for that. It has this sick way of twisting your thoughts and making you one day feel as though you are better than the last, so that’s “enough”, and you push on headstrong and fast forward. And then this week happens. The everyday life stuff, is just simply too much.
Those days of getting out of bed with little to no type of pain after a decent nights sleep, don’t exist anymore. The simple self care of painting your toenails, putting on makeup and doing your hair for the day, are a hard push to exist. The simple routine of a morning coffee on your way out the door in a scurried hurry doesn’t exist in such haste. The clear mental attention span and overloaded memory of unforgettable thoughts, doesn’t exist. The self loathing you once had, you would now welcome back with open arms, because it couldn’t possibly be worse then how you now feel on most days.
I have felt all of these things, stronger and more exhausted this week, then I did the last. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been feeling this way for a while. And the best way I can describe it, is that it all becomes so overwhelming. You get glimpses of the person you were before you got sick,( or had kids or lost a limb, got a divorce or were diagnosed with mental illness, ……..you get what I’m saying) and those glimpses trick you into thinking your mind and body can keep up. But as a wise and dear friend of mine has reminded me today …” I’m Sick” and I “Need To Stay Home”.
As some of you may know, I am a social extrovert. I fill my internal battery up by being out and about and around others. I have always been that person that walks down an isle at the grocery store and some complete stranger may make eye contact with me, and being a nice person, I will smile back. This often leads to over complicated and extremely open offerings into their personal lives, which could be anything from ragging on their partners, to bowel issues. ( I’m not kidding!) And I’m totally ok with that. That’s who I am. And I wouldn’t change that about myself. But I have realized lately, that I need to separate myself a bit from always giving out and I need to do more to take back for myself.
Since being sick, and continuing along on this prick of a sick train, which has been a year and a half of my life thus far, I’ve done my very best to not veer off the tracks. And if I did, or needed to, I would let it happen, acknowledge it, put it in its right file folder, learn and move on. But as I’m sure many of you know, it can often be easier said then done. So when it comes time to doing those what should be simple tasks of grocery shopping and talking to strangers, hair and makeup, and driving any distances, this body of mine now doesn’t want to cooperate. I need to learn to follow its lead, rather than it follow my racing mind.
This past week has been just what I would have called a regular, mediocre week before having cancer and surgeries. But what once was a “regular week” to me no longer exists, at least not right now, and most likely not for a while yet, or perhaps it never will. Maybe I’m living in the land of denial, or maybe I’m just too damn stubborn to want to accept that this is now what I have to work with. Either way, this week I have done too much. Cooking back to back dinners for company, regular household duties, not sleeping, continuous pain and bloating, tender scars, taking down wall paper, slowly ripping up flooring, running errands, and working very part time… has proven to be too much for me to handle. As I sit here writing this, it’s late afternoon, I haven’t got off the couch or done anything but have some lunch and fluids and I’m still in my nightgown. There are so many things I want to do, and places I’d like to have gone to today. But as my friends and body are telling me….I’m sick and I just need to stay home, rest and recover..
This proves to be very difficult for me, honestly. I struggle internally with the sense of guilt that I’m not doing enough in my day, if all I’m doing is sitting around and letting my body heal. I KNOW that my job right now is to get well and let my body rest and relax so it can process and heal properly for longevity. Perhaps it was my upbringing that has been etched deep into my brain, that sitting at home, not getting dressed, not accomplishing anything (in terms of others expectations of what accomplishing is ) is wasting time or being lazy.
Just as my body is sick, and continues to remind me of that, I am also sick of letting these feelings of what I am not getting done in my day to day, control me. And as this sickness continues to rule and control my life, I need to learn to just sit with things and ….STOP. We are a one income home and unless we win the lotto we don’t play, that’s not going to change over night. It’s ok to not cook supper, go to the grocery store, run errands that ultimately aren’t life or death, and just be present with my legs up watching a movie on the couch.
The kitchen floor boards will wait, the walls that need painting will wait, the lawns will wait, groceries will wait. But what won’t patiently wait if it’s pushed too far…is my health. It’s first and foremost the most important thing I own. While the sun is shining on my face, and the birds are chirping in our yard, writing this blog has brought me a sense of peace. My shoulders have dropped, and I’ve taken a big wholesome deep breath.
I have been through A LOT this past year and a half. I’m resilient, stubborn, determined, positive and bursting with love for anyone who will have it. However, I need to refocus some of that love back inwards. Perhaps write more, online shop more, and maybe even shut off more. So I’m going to focus on that. Putting actions to my own words, and find more balance in my teeter totter life. Resting more, eating well, breathing better, and just STOP.
